Saturday, March 23, 2013

My Writing Standpoint is Super Immoral

An Open Letter to Julie Plec

(written in anticipation of 4x17, with an update written post-viewing)

I’m calling this a letter, but it’s really a list of demands. I’m kind of like a serial killer that way. (I don’t know, just go with it.)

Dear Julie Plec,

You’re so great and you make me so upset. These two things are the same, really. Anyway, love the show. And I have some thoughts about what could make it EVEN BETTER. (Listen, Damon has been my favorite character since episode one, so I’m absolutely the kind of delusional that makes someone think they can write something like this. In case you were confused. Oh, and the moment I started enjoying the show? I’m pretty sure it was when I sarcastically thought to myself, ‘God, that coach is fucking annoying, can someone just kill him, please?’ and maybe thirty seconds later Damon ripped his throat out. I think I laughed and also cheered? Yep, that’s me.)

So here we go.

Damon and Elena need to have sex again. This one is fairly self-explanatory. Recently, she brushed tearily past him in the hallway, not even really sparing him a second glance, and I was SO OVERCOME BY THE CHEMISTRY. Seriously. That was a hot brush-by. Just saying.

I would like Alaric to be alive again, but failing that, can we just have him ghost around a little bit? I don’t know, Matt could fake drown again and start seeing ghosts like Jeremy used to? And he could talk to Ric? It'd be weird, but I just want him back so bad.

I need Damon and Lexi to have had sex at some point. And to have never told Stefan about it because I LOVE WHEN YOU GO TO THE FUCKED UP PLACE SO MUCH. (Kudos if you've already done this, Plec. Extra kudos if it was clearly violent hatesex. Extra extra if it happened more than once. If it did, then I'm probably already supplying a back story of them maintaining a sexual relationship for basically the entire last century, probably only stopping when Lexi met her little boyfriend, but possibly not even then. I may or may not now be assuming that they had sex shortly before Damon killed her. Because that's how I roll.)

I would like it if Damon and Bonnie could be besties. One day, they need to realize that they are the only ones who ever make sense about anything, Bonnie’s late crazy aside, and that for that reason alone, but also because they deeply love each other, they need to be best friends. Also Bonnie should drink more. Like Bonnie should probably be drunk a lot. She's got mad reason for it. Damon can teach her how to function with raging alcoholism.

On that note, it would be super amusing if anyone ever pointed out that Damon is basically the worst alcoholic in the history of time. If you took a shot every time he’s shown drinking or holding a drink on this show, you would DIE BECAUSE NO ONE CAN DRINK THAT MUCH. I know, I know, he’s a vampire, he can deal with it. I accept that he can deal with. But I also think that considering how constantly his life is under threat, maybe being drunk 100% of the time is not the best survival strategy.

So my final, and by far most important demand, is that Damon get naked again. Preferably for no reason at all. Failing that, laughably thin reasons will do. Here's looking at you, shirt change that served absolutely no God but nudity. By the way, Plec, that scene basically guaranteed that I will love you forever, even if you ignore my demands. Also all those times he was in a shower when, again, there was no reason why he should have been. No blood to wash off, no grime to clear away. That time it was just morning so you started the scene in the shower? Glorious. That time he and Sage walked in there to makeout and "not be heard by Rebeckah" even though they proceeded not to talk at all? Beautiful. Walking around with his shirt open in that motel room despite the presence of a sleeping teenage boy? Strange and fabulous. More of that, please.

"Shall I change out of this black v-neck and into a slightly less black v-neck whilst struggling heroically against an overwhelming desire to have sex with the girl who's currently in the room with me and openly daring me to have sex with her? Why yes I shall. Because MY SKIN IS FLAWLESS and everyone should have a chance to know that." It's THAT kind of thinking that really makes this show something special.

Okay, it's official: in my heart I now completely believe that Damon and Lexi had an ongoing sexual relationship behind Stefan's back for at least a century, that it did not cease when she met her one true love, and that they, in fact, had sex again, somewhere in the Salvatore house, within 72 hours of him murdering her. Also that, somehow, she'd always completely understood that one day one of them would kill the other, and she continued to have sex with him anyway.


unicorns and puppy dogs,


Look, Plec, I have a catalogue in my head of the times Damon has been naked on this show, and I have not been able to update it since Christmas. So go ahead and let that thought haunt you, you heartless thief of joy.

That being said, Damon in the ’70s is officially the greatest thing you’ve ever done.

The first two and a half minutes of this episode? I could basically watch that over and over again until I die. And I just wanted to...thank you for that.

Just a thought, totally random--wouldn’t it be great if vampires had their own version of the Vulcan nerve pinch? They’re immortal and shit. You’d think they could figure SOMETHING out. It’d be nice for all the vampires who aren’t super interested in murder.

I AM SO PLEASED ABOUT DAMON AND LEXI. But in case you were wondering, in my head, nothing has changed. I still deeply believe that they just carried out a century-long, hate-fueled, top-secret, grossly violent sexual relationship that only ended when he killed her. Again, Damon was my favorite character long before he became plausibly redeemable. If anyone was confused.

Also, listen, I may be the only one in all of fandom, but I would fucking love it if you brought back the fucking crows. That shit was ridiculous and completely awesome. Cheesy and bizarre, yes. But, seriously, also awesome.

And I don’t know, it would have been cool if the Originals had had weird fucking powers like that, you know? Like if Elijah had fucking lions following him wherever the hell he went because fuck it, he’s an Original. He’ll have an entourage of lions if he wants to.

Just saying, that’s a thing you could do.

In lieu of that, can we maybe just have an entire spinoff series of Damon fucking around in the ’70s? I WOULD WATCH IT FOREVER and you wouldn’t even have to come up with a plot, I promise. I would seriously just watch him killing people to a punk rock soundtrack, provided he occasionally woke up naked for no reason at all.

At all.

rainbows and kitty cats,

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